Trust

-To begin with, I would like to say that I absolutely love and appreciate getting requests and suggestions. Hearing about the things that other people are currently thinking about or working through helps me get to know them on a deeper level, and also gives me a chance to look at new perspectives. This being the first suggestion that I’m writing on, I want to be transparent. Because this was not something already on my mind and heart, it proved to be a little more challenging for me. It was entirely worth it though, and I took some time to meditate on it.-

26 July 2018

               Our topic for today is Trust. A big word made of few letters that packs so much meaning and yet is something our world seems to be devoid of. It should inspire hope and connection, but is all too often associated with dread and painful memories. Why is that? There are a few thoughts I’d like to unpack there.

Trust is the foundation of every relationship, every encounter, and every decision of our lives. Even reaching into a biological level. Instinctively, animals are prone to trust others within their species. Because fundamentally, that makes sense. In everything we do, we have to trust that others are not going to do anything uncharacteristic of human nature that would jeopardize our safety, or affect our world as we know it to function. This allows us to walk down the sidewalk on a busy street, and trust that a driver will not veer off the road and mow us down. We keep animals as pets, assuming they won’t eat us. And we form connections with other people, believing that there will be mutual care between us.

And we do all of this despite having seen countless examples that should show us that those assumptions are unreliable. Pedestrians get hit by cars, dogs bite their owner’s hand, and people cause those close to them pain (physically and emotionally) every single day. But that somehow does not change our own perspective. Because our lives cannot continue or function normally, if we do not trust. In fact, a majority of the time, we will blindly trust until we experience a break directly. But all it takes is that one experience, to completely rewire how someone will approach that situation for the rest of their lives. Broken trust is a trauma.

The world shows us more and more every day that there is no room to have that blind trust. Parents aren’t supposed to allow their kids anywhere alone, or out after dark because we always hear about the people who want to hurt them. Music encourages faithlessness in relationships because of what the other person could do, and how they could betray us. The media highlights every negative event caused by one ill-intended individual in some corner of the globe but makes it relevant to each of us as individuals. Vaguely relatable social media posts, thinly veiled in self-deprecating humor make us think that not being able to trust anyone, and being afraid of the world is the norm. And it is widely accepted to be this way. As mentioned earlier, we typically must experience an event first-hand (or close to) in order for our trust to be broken. But the way these stories are portrayed, or the way the lyrics are written, all it takes is some small resemblance to a moment in our lives for us to completely lose that faith in the world. And that isn’t to say that people exaggerate events in their life just to be on the safe side and eliminate the trust in said experience. But cutting that tie is a defense mechanism to help us better prepare for what would happen if it were to come to the worst. But what does that force us to eliminate from our lives preemptively? More specifically, what do we miss out on by “taking someone’s word for it”? Maybe we should allow only our direct experiences to form our intuition of trust.

What forms that intuition though? How are we able to know what works well for us as compared to what works for others? A huge part of why we tend to struggle with this uphill battle of trust, is because we do not trust ourselves. We do not understand our own thresholds for trust. “Well that’s my problem, and you’re just going to have to let me deal with that.” You’re right, I, nor anyone else, have any control over your behaviors, thoughts, or actions. However, your ability, or lack thereof, has a profound effect on your relationships with others, and the way you communicate your needs to those around you. If you’re anything like me, you don’t know why you are the way you are when it comes to trusting others. My excuse for so long for not getting close to people, handling my problems silently, and closing myself off emotionally to the world, was because I just was that way. I couldn’t explain why, or what happened to build that wall, or why I couldn’t change. But anyone who questioned that was immediately put on the black list, because they just “didn’t understand, and were trying to force me to change”.

Once I got past my own pride and decided that I wanted to be able to let people in, I needed to figure out how and why I responded in that way. So rather than just forcing myself to be okay with things that I knew made me uncomfortable, I chose to analyze the similarities between people and situations and relationships that I avoided. I tied those to past events, and from there figured out what exactly happened to shut me down. It was this route that allowed me to discover some painful experiences that I had forced down, and some hard truths that I didn’t want to accept.

There were memories tied to someone abusing the power they had over me. That caused me to avoid one-on-one confrontations with people and attach a negative connotation to anyone in a position of authority. I became quiet around bosses, teachers, and even my parents. I didn’t want to upset anyone out of bottom line fear of how they would react. I had never recognized any of those reactions as fearful. But I had let that fear control a large portion of my life. Reliving my experience being bullied as a kid showed me why I would immediately discredit anyone who held a decent social status. Because it always ended up being the rich and popular kids, I now have problems attaching judgements to anyone I perceive as fitting that description. Forget being friends with anyone who was socially charming or seems like they’d fit into “that crowd”. As a result, I have most likely pushed away some genuinely wholesome people.

Being able to acknowledge these experiences helped me get to know myself a little deeper. And once I took those experiences and compared them to how I cope with broken trust, I was able to see more clearly my own tendencies. I could pick out the ways that I exemplify untrustworthy qualities, and brainstorm ways to change that. There were things that I had to accept as needing change before I could work on trusting the world around me. That moment of connection between your surface level and your deeper subconscious is such a unifying time. Understanding the root of your pain is the key in eliminating that association to others. And as a biproduct, I found a lot of forgiveness in my heart for people who I previously thought would have never deserved it. The journey of self-growth leads us to a place of healing, from which we can continue onto the forgiveness of others, and the connection to our world.

Our past is such a manipulative beast to our present and our future. Think about all the good and the bad past experiences that affect your world today, and your decisions for the future. Why do we let something that no longer holds physical power over our lives control what is to come? We will go see a band a second time in concert because when we went years ago, they were fantastic. Then somehow become disappointed when we don’t have the same experience as before. Why would we? They are two different events, held at different points in time, with different crowds, at a different venue. We are not the same as we were when we attended the first time, and neither is the artist. But that first concert was all we needed to make our decision on whether to go a second time.

We do the same thing with trust, because human beings are creatures of pattern. And even though the majority of situations are composed of varying factors, we will let the one constant control our reaction every single time. The thought is “An ex cheated on me in the past. They were always on their phone but never wanted me to see what they were doing. They came home late all the time and always turned my accusations on me.” Which turns into “I can no longer trust a romantic partner who has a lock on their phone. I need to either be with them, or know where they are going before they go, and who they’ll be with. I can’t tell them when I’m uncomfortable because they’re just going to get mad and it will be my fault.”

Does that sound like someone who has been hurt, or a psychotic and controlling partner? Depends on which person in that relationship you ask. To the one on the receiving end of unwarranted suspicion, those “precautions” are controlling. To the one who had previously been cheated on, those are coping mechanisms out of fear that they’re going to go through the same pain again. But why is that a fear that we allow? If they are no longer with the one who cheated on them, then they have no reason to be suspicious of the next one. Every person is an individual, right? Every person has the capability of making their own decisions. Forcing that assumption on them that they will be “just like the last one” is suffocating to that person. And then, just as in the previous relationship which was made unhealthy because of the infidelity, this one has become equally as toxic because that foundation of trust has been replaced with an unstable fear.

I believe this is a huge contributing factor to the alleged Death of Relationships that my generation faces in this age. We are so afraid of the pain that we felt because of an experience, that we internalize it. Believing that we can fuel any human relationship with surface-based feelings, we don’t recognize that these deeper emotions are getting projected onto our current situations. Being suspicious, overly cautious, reserved emotionally (OR physically), or simply not wanting to reach a point of attachment that will cause pain to break because we assume that it can’t and won’t work out. All because of things that that individual did not do or cause within us. Doesn’t that sound a bit like unfair judgement? That would be like sending someone to jail because they look exactly like the last guy who committed a felony. Or keeping a cast on your arm after the break has healed because there’s a chance you might break it again. Both are unrealistic judgements and expectations. But we impose those on others because it’s easier than acknowledging that someone broke our trust and caused us pain. Because in today’s world, pain is still largely viewed as a burden to those around us, and a sign of weakness. Since we are told to make everyone else’s lives easier, and not to show weakness, we allow these toxic mentalities to manifest. And that in and of itself causes a burden in the lives of those we form shallow relationships with, and causes the weakest link in our connections with others. It becomes the most vicious cycle we’ve tried to avoid to begin with.

So we can recognize that each person is an individual with individual experiences and individual struggles of their own to get through. Where do we go from there? I’m not trying to tell you to blindly trust every person you meet. It’s a fact that in today’s world, that will get you killed. But I am telling you to allow the people trying to form a connection with you a chance to do so. Pain in this world is inevitable. But deciding whether that fear has control over your life is entirely your choice. Allowing someone to prove their character to you is the only way to take back that control. Believing that each person is their own author and can choose to make you a valued priority is the key to finding the things in life that make all of that pain worth it. Allow your past to be a lesson, not a definition of your life. Your experiences need to stay in the back seat, and you must have both hands on the wheel. Deep down, we know we don’t want others to feel the pain that we felt as a result of someone else, but we can only control ourselves. Building that foundation of mutual trust is the only thing we can do to prevent the other person from feeling that betrayal. And when we can apply that trust, we are free to put the rest in their hands.

I believe there is most definitely hope for my generation. I notice that people are starting to reach a point of such agony and loneliness, that they are forcing themselves to get back up and just try again, palms out, asking for love. And they know that as much as it hurts to get knocked down, that finding someone to be by their side and share the journey with will mean so much more. We are slowly getting sick of accepting the world for what it is. We have had enough of the disconnect. We refuse to be in a constant stand-off to see who will bail first. My generation is beginning to connect with themselves on an internal level, and embrace who they are and express their needs outwardly. Seeing my generation move through self-discovery is what has sparked my hope in them learning to trust again.

Learn to trust yourself again, and project that trust onto the rest of your world. You are the hope you have been looking for~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Tell me about your own experiences in learning to trust, or witnessing those close to you grow in their ability to trust. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]