Expectations

-I would like to start by thanking all of my readers for their patience in my absence. Life comes and goes in waves. And while I would love to be the person who is on top of all of their hobbies and self-care routines, I admittedly have not had the time or energy set aside to complete a thought. While I know that my outlets, like writing, happen on my own schedule, I can’t help but feel that I have let people down in the process. Which is why, today, I am discussing Expectations.-

[On a side note, if I ever write anything in these brackets, it’s because it was scribbled in the notebook, but doesn’t transfer visibly online.]

14 August 2018

10 September 2018

16 October 2018

Ever have one of those nights where you’re sitting in relative silence, and you pull your knees up to your chest, and you just realize how small you feel? And not physically, or spatially, but maybe relatively or even existentially?

That’s me tonight.

Wow Bryn. Hitting hard for the first time writing in months… — It has been a minute, hasn’t it? [And blue ink? Insanity.] Moment of transparency! I am just getting past a funk.  The mental space I occupy regularly for writing was being used to process other things. I don’t mean to be vague, it’s simply that I’m still not entirely sure what I was processing – because there was a LOT. Life has swept me away here for a while. I have been writing here and there, but entries have failed or haven’t felt right to finish (or share for that matter). Since I use this space as a primary source to get my thoughts out, I want to assure you, thoughts have been outed.

Even writing that piece out feels daunting and almost concerning. Not to me, because I’m used to how my brain works through things. But in that case, why would it be concerning at all? This is something I would like to address tonight. Because while I have been trying my hardest to take care of myself, I have not been making sure everyone else is settled. Normally that would leave me feeling sickeningly selfish. But why is taking care of your own well-being negatively selfish? I am here to tell you, it most certainly is not — unless the people in your life are used to you being a caretaker. Then, whether it is conscious or not, you have failed to meet their expectations.

[And here is where I switch ink again and go Back to Black like Amy Winehouse.]

Expectations. We all have them; of ourselves, of each other, of society, of the world. Often times, we don’t realize when we’re putting them out there in a burdensome way. Most of the time it is not obvious to us when we are demanding with them. We intend our presence to be loving, our questions comforting, and our concerns caring. So why do these same actions and behaviors from others make us feel suffocated, interrogated, and even inept?

I struggle with needing to meet people’s expectations more than most. Because of my constant need to not let people down, I often run myself dry. Then again, don’t we all to a certain extent? This may be part of the reason I have been so absent. Being in Italy, naturally I want to go to all of the places and do all of the things, and sleep is for the weak, and I am INVINCIBLE! Until that puts such a mental and physical strain on me that I become extremely sick for three weeks, with a nagging cough that lingers for another month. A time during which my dog was also sick, and had to get biopsied for a lump on his foot. (Bomber is fine, do not fret.) A time during which my attempt at social interaction in the physical here, caused my connection in the virtual (mentally and verbally to everyone back home) to suffer.

It’s all about perception though, yes? So while for me, it was juggling social stress with physical sickness, and the anxiety of my very best friend possibly having a tumor; to others, it was distance, vacancy, and lack of effort. Or on a different spectrum, I was bombarded with concerns of people close to me feeling that they had upset me. All of these worries were thrown into the mix and sank me five feet under the surface of my anxiety. But they were all healthy concerns coming from a caring place in the hearts of people who care deeply about me and whose presence I value most. To me, it was a full plate. To them, it was a disruption in their norm.

See, as humans, we develop patterns in everything we do, including relationships. It’s how our brains cope with the unknown of future events. When we establish a pattern in communication with someone else, and suddenly that pattern is broken by the other person, a subconscious need of ours is unmet. This registers in our brain as concern for the other person. But the reality is that we are bugged because our pattern of reality is disrupted.

Right now, I wonder how many readers are saying “You’re insane and clearly don’t care about the people in your life.”. And that’s a fair thought, but I’m not done. Please do not interpret this as me telling you not to check on your friends when they go off the grid. Because that is absolutely a vital part of the correlation between human connection and mental health.

What I am saying, is CUT THE RESENTMENT. Stop being bitter when someone tells you they need alone time. Chances are, it has absolutely nothing to do with you, or anyone specifically for that matter, so do not make it about you. Unless you are concerned for their safety (in which case a professional should be involved anyway), give them room to breathe. People generally understand their own mental health-care routine, and if that involves time to themselves, then allow them that.

Of course, always check in on your people, but stop making it about you. Let go of the thoughts of “I must have done something…”. If that is an actual fear that you have after someone has gotten quiet with you, then introspection is your first step. Think back through recent interactions and ask yourself what about your contributions could have put them off? If you still feel the need to ask, it is a one-time question. If they tell you it has nothing to do with you, then at that point, you have to accept that they are just going through something individually. From there on, checking in needs to be exactly that until the person is ready to be back. The hardest part of this to accept is that there is no time-frame on it. But the most helpful thing we can do for people in that place is be patient with them, and remind them that our presence in their life is not changing just because they are struggling.

At this point, it may sound to you like I am asking you to sacrifice your needs for the sake of someone wanting to recluse, no questions asked. My dear reader, that is not at all it. Do not ever sacrifice your needs. But do not confuse your needs with your want for a particular person to fill those needs. When the person you want (because it is a want, unless there is specific conflict with that individual,) is in a place of seclusion, they are working to meet their needs. And they cannot meet your needs with their whole heart if they are preoccupied with their own unmet and neglected needs. We must be selfish before we can be selfless. In this case, if the need does not directly concern that individual, you have three options; wait and hold the thought until that person is ready, find someone else to express that need to, or find another outlet (through hobbies, meditation, prayer, etc.).

It is so difficult to take a step back and trust that that person will return when they are ready. But when we truly care for someone, part of showing them that their significance is more than what they can give, is allowing them the space to meet their needs in their own way. Just as they would do their best to help us meet ours in the way that would be most comfortable for us.

On the back side of this, I am here to say that asking for space, or denying interaction is completely within your rights. If your healing process does not include talking to every person about your problems, then do not exacerbate the problem by overexerting yourself. Being online doesn’t mean you have to respond to the messages. Having your phone with you doesn’t mean you are obligated to answer phone calls or texts. Having a day off does not require you to go out and socialize. Let yourself find healing where healing is comfortable for you.

Continue to check on the ones you love. But exercise patience in their healing. Leave the prodding questions behind, and drop your expectations outside the door. Your person will return to you. The best way to not add to their feeling of inadequacy, is to leave the light on for them for when they are ready to return~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Tell me about your own experiences in navigating expectations, or addressing your own. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]