Permanence

– I know this is nearly a month late, but between returning from deployment, moving into my new apartment, and getting back to work, I have not had any time to myself to even type out my own pre-written words. I am now sitting in an airport (again), so I’m transferring this entry through my phone. As a result, I apologize for any typos. I will do my best to edit with a computer soon! –

13 January 2019

The first entry of the new year! Not entirely intentional – there have been plenty of partially-completed entries since the last posted. The reason today’s is so special is because I’m headed home! That’s right, today’s the day, the sun is shining, the tank is clean, and I am getting out of Sicily!

I probably shouldn’t say “home” though. Seeing as I currently don’t have a home to go back to…anywhere really. Prior to deploying, I moved everything I own into storage. So on top of Illinois simply being where I’m stationed, I literally do not have a place of residence.

Even then, I go home to Montana a week from now. But there is no physical or definite home there for me either. This year brought about a lot of change for my family and I. The last time I visited home before my deployment was in April. In that trip, I knew it was the last time I would see the house that my grandparents build and have lived in for 30 years. This was the place I grew up visiting. Where I spent holidays and family gatherings. Where summers were occupied with woodland hikes and swimming in the lake. A pivotal location in my upbringing. That was a really hard goodbye for me to come to terms with.

If both of those events weren’t enough, my parents sold our childhood home after I arrived in Sicily – so that was a surprise to say the least. I was fortunate enough to spend over 15 years living in that house. So here I am, leaving the country for the first time, by myself, to a place where I have no definite environment to build upon and I have no definite place to return to once I get back.

I don’t mean to come across angry. I have no resentment toward any of my family for the decisions they made. I know that I am blessed to have had such constant environments to spend my childhood. This is not about that. This is more in light of letting go of object and area permanence.

This series of events certainly caused me a great deal of anxiety. But – just as the purpose of this blog is – it also provided me with an area of growth I wasn’t aware I needed. Did I know that things would work out and I would not be homeless when I got back? Of course. Did I ever feel that my family would not include me in their new homes? Never once. But for a moment, I just had to let myself feel the emotions that came to me. I couldn’t deny the sadness and uneasiness as I headed to a new country on my own. Being alone forced me to look inward for strength though. Because in the beginning, all I had was me to lean on, and I would figure it out; I had no choice.

As the months passed and I embraced an ever-changing environment, I discovered that I could develop roots even in the face of only having temporary everything. At that point, it had come time to let go of the places that had such a tight grip on my sense of stability, solely caused by nostalgia and familiarity.

Of course these places will always hold permanence. However, I have been fortunate enough to have family and friends who are more home than any structure could ever be. On top of that, I had no ties to the house I had been living in in Illinois for the past year. It was never mine, so letting it influence my emotions made no legitimate sense upon reflection.

Funny enough, I didn’t come to any of these conclusions until my terrible memory bit me in the ass. One day I realized I couldn’t remember what clothes I actually owned outside of the bags I had packed. I couldn’t fully picture the layout of the dashboard in my car. I had started to forget the nuances of my home station job. These are all things I use or do on a daily basis, normally. And it had been hard to leave them behind. But all it took was a few, short months to mentally and emotionally detach from them.

But the things that never so much as faded in my mind? The way my mom smiles when something is so touching that it brings tears to her eyes. How my best friend dances and sings in the car when songs from our favorite musicals come on. The way my dog presses his head against my chest, like I’m the only thing in his world that matters.

Immediately, it was easier to let the inanimate things go. None of those places or objects hold my heart the way the people close to me do. As soon as I came to this acceptance, I stopped worrying – about anything. A weight lifted, and everything suddenly was working out the way it was meant to.

So much change in my life came to a head during these months so far from my norm. There was some bad, some moments I didn’t care to experience. But there was so much good that came from it that far outweighs any negativity. Part of that was the true stepping stone in letting go of the grip on material things, and shifting that energy to appreciating people and experiences.

So whatever it is that is causing you stress or grief right now, ask yourself to look at it from a distance. Will it affect the people in your life? Can you really control it? Shift your energy into being a permanent and positive presence in that person’s life – because I guarantee you, being that for them will negate anything you’re struggling with between the two of you, and outweigh anything you could “do for them”.

Or does the stress revolve around a place, object, or placement in your life? (ie. House, car, job, etc.) How immediate is your grasp or control on the situation? Don’t put yourself through it twice by stressing about what you cannot control. Will your health and safety be endangered if it doesn’t work out? Reach out to your people for help. Will it matter a week from now? A year? Five years? At the end of your life? Opposingly, is there any way something beneficial or enriched with life lessons could come of it? Breathe. You’re human – unexpected, uncontrollable, and unmanageable things will come up. It doesn’t make you a failure, and you will find a way through it.

In any case, learning how to let go is painfully difficult, as humans want control over every aspect of their lives. Having that skill is vital to the upward progression and stability of your mental and emotional health.

If you are in a place of materialistic vice, or object permanence, and it is causing you grief, I encourage you to reflect on some of these things. Maybe even write it out. And if your ear is open, listen to a song called “Live With Less” by John Craigie.

Places, objects, and hardships are temporary. But people, memories, and experiences are forever. Let those be your guiding factors~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Tell me about what gives you permanence in life. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]