– Some people may beg the question as to why I even run a blog or pay for a website when I can’t even bother to write in it for nearly a year. Maybe I can address my absence in this post. (Even though I seem to explain some form of absence after another with every post, so maybe we can leave this one alone.) –

18 December 2019

So here’s another first for me, I’ve skipped the notebook! *Gasp*. That’s right, these words are typed right from my messy brain space with no filter…full of decisions this evening…yikes. However, I feel that this topic is important enough for me to actually skip the inanimate editor that is my little, therapeutically-hardened, green notebook.

Today I want to talk about Living Versus Surviving. And yes, on the surface, that is a lot to unpack in one post, but there are some underlying themes that I would like to tackle. See, this post puts me a little out of my comfort zone, as it has a great deal to do with setting boundaries- something your author is admittedly not very good at. The topic was suggested to me recently, and since the point of this blog is to find growth through mild (to occasionally severe) discomfort, I laughed nervously and said “Why not!”. (I’m rambling now because I’m uncomfortable…this is why we use the notebook first.)

To an extent, we are all concerned with checking boxes – all of them, all at once. And society tells us that once we have checked every single box, that we have succeeded at life, and only then are we allowed to die off into oblivion. Sounds quaint. And horrible. But we keep doing it. We have to wake up on time, eat a whole breakfast (which is usually coffee), get to work on time- but really just as long as we get there before Bert from accounting, be at every meeting with all of our colored pens in a row, get home in time – but not too early because that would be lazy – to complain to our spouse, that we obviously already have, about how long and arduous our day was, only to eat a mundane dinner, and then flop onto a stiff mattress and start over again. WRONG. Because you also forgot to exercise three times a week at least, vacation frequently enough to make your neighbors jealous, walk the dog who will pee on your shoe later anyway, save enough money for retirement (whatever that actually means), make it to the block party, attend every PTA meeting, read for an hour that only exists in the fiction of those exact pages, visit the in-laws who stress you out, and go to church where you won’t sit and think about God, because of everything else going on- and you know that he knows it, so really you’re just wasting everybody’s time.

And when you add up that run-on paragraph of to-do lists, you get depression, exhaustion, inadequacy, and a disembodied smile plastered to your face for 12 hours a day. Any time you do get to yourself is only spent thinking about all of the things you haven’t done, the people you’ve disappointed in the process, and somehow the word “fat” makes its way in there and ends up sitting in a nasty pile on your desk in front of you.

People always want to change the association of the word “success”, to mean whatever is fulfilling to you. A great concept I do applaud, however, the word “success” is a toxic waste pit dug out by the White Picket era of the 1950s. Just as the Radium Girls would paint their nails with radium paint because it gave them a glow and allowed them to stand out, we wear success on our arm like it’s something to flaunt. And just as the Radium Girls all fell very sick and the effects of the Radium consumed them, we let our need for success do the same. Yes, this is a darker analogy on my part, but it paints a vivid and scary picture of where the vanity in our society has brought us.

In order to truly succeed, I believe we need to shake “success” from our vocabularies, and focus on words like “happiness”, “freedom”, “peace”, and “passion”. Woah there, Flower Child…yes I am taking you on a literary journey through decades I wasn’t alive for- calm down. If you’re scoffing, it’s probably applicable to you.

For a moment, choose one of those words above, close your eyes, and imagine what your life would look like if you lived by that word, instead of the approval you crave so deeply from others to be deemed successful. Take out all of the hindrances that adulthood logic has drilled into your mind. What would happiness look like? A different state? A different job? Starting every morning with a hike? Eating foods that you crave? What about freedom or peace? Would that mean physical silence in your surroundings? Or simply calming the incessant voices in your head that scream your inadequacies at you? Passion…what would your life look like if you lived with passion? Making your hobbies more frequent than an hour on a Saturday? Letting yourself fall in love with someone new? Speaking up for the things that resound in your heart?

What would your life look like if you lived it for you instead of the rest of the world?

I heard you…in the back, “Lady, I don’t even care what other people think. I’m in control of my own life, and no one can tell me what to do.”. And yes, you ARE in control of your own life- but people don’t have to tell you to do anything. Their existence is enough to influence you to do things that you don’t want to do. We all care what other people think, it’s a defense mechanism, part of the herd mentality. If we think and act like the others, we will be safe. If we go against the grain, we will be rejected. So it’s okay, I promise you are not the only one.

But let’s go back to the previous question, what would your life look like if you lived it for you?

That can be hard to fathom, considering, for many of us it doesn’t even seem like a plausible option. Maybe we have obligations to a job, a family, a place, a lifestyle. How can we walk away from things that are even semi-permanent? Some of these things rely on us for their very existence. Beginning to live for yourself does not mean extreme detachment. Existing as a servant to the things around you is simply surviving. Allowing your environment to thrive off of you turns you into a lifeline for others. It steals your voice, your wants, your needs- it makes you unrecognizable to yourself after a while. I promise, you were not made to be a human sponge for others to wring out when they need a little water to keep themselves going.

Beginning to live for yourself is hard and painful, and it begins with setting boundaries. That may sound silly, but boundaries come in the form of self-care, standards, assertion, emotional transparency, and extreme honesty. Setting boundaries is one of the hardest things for people who are used to making sure that everyone else is taken care of before them. It usually comes with fighting a sense of worthlessness within, and can be an ongoing, up-hill battle. Ding-dong, hi, it’s me. I struggle with setting boundaries. I have a huge issue standing up for myself, speaking out when I’m not okay with a situation, putting my basic needs before those of someone whom I care deeply about, allowing myself to feel my emotions externally, and especially being honest with myself when something in my life is not doing me justice. And I hated writing all of that. But it’s painfully true.

One of the reasons I’ve been absent from writing this year is because the will to sit and write simply left to go get a pack of smokes at a gas station and didn’t return. I started going through trauma therapy this year, and it took everything in me to not give up on my basic needs. For months, showering was exhausting, cleaning was daunting, and cooking was a fantasy. And I can’t say that I’m out of the dark yet, but part of going through therapy was learning how to set boundaries for myself. And in that process, a lot of things got pushed to the side, because I chose to put self-care first. My mental health took a front seat for the first time in my adult life, and that meant that all of my obligations had to get out of the car entirely. Volunteering, leading projects, stepping up at work- all of those vanished suddenly, because I didn’t have the energy to take them on in the midst of trying to heal from a trauma I experienced nearly six years ago.

Setting boundaries cost me getting ahead at work, a relationship (or several really), friendships, countless nights of sleep, and a general sense of comfort and safety, for this entire year. But as I am fighting through the harder parts of setting boundaries, I am finding myself being more comfortable in standing up for myself when something doesn’t serve me, and fighting for the things I do want- as small as they may be.

It is hard. And it is painful. And it will not feel right for a while. You will feel like an inconvenience, and a burden, and a failure, and probably a laundry list of other extremely heavy things that will drag you down into the mud. There is a really crappy dance that goes along with this process. As you begin to set boundaries, you will start to get a lot of push-back from the people who aren’t used to the door mat speaking up. Have the conversation with these people, if they are important to you. Explain that you are trying to take better care of yourself, and part of that is setting boundaries. It sounds like something your friend who’s way too into crystal healing would say, but it is necessary. And those who genuinely care about your well being, will come around to the idea and adapt. For the ones who shove a boot in your face, hold the door open and let them walk out. Let that be your last testament of your willingness to serve them.

As you set boundaries, it will be painted as selfishness, that you’ve changed (with that poisonous tone we all know), that you’re pushing people away, or that you must not care about your people anymore. Please, dear reader, do not listen to these lies. They are spat from the mouths of selfishness itself. You caring for yourself and what effects you is never selfish. If it serves you no positive purpose, and only leaves you living to please others, it is not worth your energy, and certainly is not worth your suffering.

I know as well as you do, that we will not wake up tomorrow in our picture-perfect lives. But we can (and have to) start taking the smaller steps to get there. That begins with setting the ground work for the life you want to live. Your own boundaries with others, and within yourself, for what you will and will not tolerate are crucial. Living life for you, means ceasing to live life at the hands of others. It will be hard. but start with pouring your coffee for yourself first, or ordering what you’re craving for lunch, or choosing an exercise that your body enjoys moving in. Say no to the gatherings that fill you with dread. Tell someone the next time they hurt your feelings. Say ‘no’ before the situation begins to twist your stomach in knots.

You do have control over your own life, my dear reader. It takes taking care of yourself and setting your boundaries first. Shed society’s toxic image of success, and start tacking up your own dream board. We only get one shot at living; are you going to spend your time surviving? What does your uninhibited existence truly look like?

At the end of your life, will you look back and be able to say that you lived for you?

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Tell me about what gives you life. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]

– I know this is nearly a month late, but between returning from deployment, moving into my new apartment, and getting back to work, I have not had any time to myself to even type out my own pre-written words. I am now sitting in an airport (again), so I’m transferring this entry through my phone. As a result, I apologize for any typos. I will do my best to edit with a computer soon! –

13 January 2019

The first entry of the new year! Not entirely intentional – there have been plenty of partially-completed entries since the last posted. The reason today’s is so special is because I’m headed home! That’s right, today’s the day, the sun is shining, the tank is clean, and I am getting out of Sicily!

I probably shouldn’t say “home” though. Seeing as I currently don’t have a home to go back to…anywhere really. Prior to deploying, I moved everything I own into storage. So on top of Illinois simply being where I’m stationed, I literally do not have a place of residence.

Even then, I go home to Montana a week from now. But there is no physical or definite home there for me either. This year brought about a lot of change for my family and I. The last time I visited home before my deployment was in April. In that trip, I knew it was the last time I would see the house that my grandparents build and have lived in for 30 years. This was the place I grew up visiting. Where I spent holidays and family gatherings. Where summers were occupied with woodland hikes and swimming in the lake. A pivotal location in my upbringing. That was a really hard goodbye for me to come to terms with.

If both of those events weren’t enough, my parents sold our childhood home after I arrived in Sicily – so that was a surprise to say the least. I was fortunate enough to spend over 15 years living in that house. So here I am, leaving the country for the first time, by myself, to a place where I have no definite environment to build upon and I have no definite place to return to once I get back.

I don’t mean to come across angry. I have no resentment toward any of my family for the decisions they made. I know that I am blessed to have had such constant environments to spend my childhood. This is not about that. This is more in light of letting go of object and area permanence.

This series of events certainly caused me a great deal of anxiety. But – just as the purpose of this blog is – it also provided me with an area of growth I wasn’t aware I needed. Did I know that things would work out and I would not be homeless when I got back? Of course. Did I ever feel that my family would not include me in their new homes? Never once. But for a moment, I just had to let myself feel the emotions that came to me. I couldn’t deny the sadness and uneasiness as I headed to a new country on my own. Being alone forced me to look inward for strength though. Because in the beginning, all I had was me to lean on, and I would figure it out; I had no choice.

As the months passed and I embraced an ever-changing environment, I discovered that I could develop roots even in the face of only having temporary everything. At that point, it had come time to let go of the places that had such a tight grip on my sense of stability, solely caused by nostalgia and familiarity.

Of course these places will always hold permanence. However, I have been fortunate enough to have family and friends who are more home than any structure could ever be. On top of that, I had no ties to the house I had been living in in Illinois for the past year. It was never mine, so letting it influence my emotions made no legitimate sense upon reflection.

Funny enough, I didn’t come to any of these conclusions until my terrible memory bit me in the ass. One day I realized I couldn’t remember what clothes I actually owned outside of the bags I had packed. I couldn’t fully picture the layout of the dashboard in my car. I had started to forget the nuances of my home station job. These are all things I use or do on a daily basis, normally. And it had been hard to leave them behind. But all it took was a few, short months to mentally and emotionally detach from them.

But the things that never so much as faded in my mind? The way my mom smiles when something is so touching that it brings tears to her eyes. How my best friend dances and sings in the car when songs from our favorite musicals come on. The way my dog presses his head against my chest, like I’m the only thing in his world that matters.

Immediately, it was easier to let the inanimate things go. None of those places or objects hold my heart the way the people close to me do. As soon as I came to this acceptance, I stopped worrying – about anything. A weight lifted, and everything suddenly was working out the way it was meant to.

So much change in my life came to a head during these months so far from my norm. There was some bad, some moments I didn’t care to experience. But there was so much good that came from it that far outweighs any negativity. Part of that was the true stepping stone in letting go of the grip on material things, and shifting that energy to appreciating people and experiences.

So whatever it is that is causing you stress or grief right now, ask yourself to look at it from a distance. Will it affect the people in your life? Can you really control it? Shift your energy into being a permanent and positive presence in that person’s life – because I guarantee you, being that for them will negate anything you’re struggling with between the two of you, and outweigh anything you could “do for them”.

Or does the stress revolve around a place, object, or placement in your life? (ie. House, car, job, etc.) How immediate is your grasp or control on the situation? Don’t put yourself through it twice by stressing about what you cannot control. Will your health and safety be endangered if it doesn’t work out? Reach out to your people for help. Will it matter a week from now? A year? Five years? At the end of your life? Opposingly, is there any way something beneficial or enriched with life lessons could come of it? Breathe. You’re human – unexpected, uncontrollable, and unmanageable things will come up. It doesn’t make you a failure, and you will find a way through it.

In any case, learning how to let go is painfully difficult, as humans want control over every aspect of their lives. Having that skill is vital to the upward progression and stability of your mental and emotional health.

If you are in a place of materialistic vice, or object permanence, and it is causing you grief, I encourage you to reflect on some of these things. Maybe even write it out. And if your ear is open, listen to a song called “Live With Less” by John Craigie.

Places, objects, and hardships are temporary. But people, memories, and experiences are forever. Let those be your guiding factors~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Tell me about what gives you permanence in life. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]

-I would like to start by thanking all of my readers for their patience in my absence. Life comes and goes in waves. And while I would love to be the person who is on top of all of their hobbies and self-care routines, I admittedly have not had the time or energy set aside to complete a thought. While I know that my outlets, like writing, happen on my own schedule, I can’t help but feel that I have let people down in the process. Which is why, today, I am discussing Expectations.-

[On a side note, if I ever write anything in these brackets, it’s because it was scribbled in the notebook, but doesn’t transfer visibly online.]

14 August 2018

10 September 2018

16 October 2018

Ever have one of those nights where you’re sitting in relative silence, and you pull your knees up to your chest, and you just realize how small you feel? And not physically, or spatially, but maybe relatively or even existentially?

That’s me tonight.

Wow Bryn. Hitting hard for the first time writing in months… — It has been a minute, hasn’t it? [And blue ink? Insanity.] Moment of transparency! I am just getting past a funk.  The mental space I occupy regularly for writing was being used to process other things. I don’t mean to be vague, it’s simply that I’m still not entirely sure what I was processing – because there was a LOT. Life has swept me away here for a while. I have been writing here and there, but entries have failed or haven’t felt right to finish (or share for that matter). Since I use this space as a primary source to get my thoughts out, I want to assure you, thoughts have been outed.

Even writing that piece out feels daunting and almost concerning. Not to me, because I’m used to how my brain works through things. But in that case, why would it be concerning at all? This is something I would like to address tonight. Because while I have been trying my hardest to take care of myself, I have not been making sure everyone else is settled. Normally that would leave me feeling sickeningly selfish. But why is taking care of your own well-being negatively selfish? I am here to tell you, it most certainly is not — unless the people in your life are used to you being a caretaker. Then, whether it is conscious or not, you have failed to meet their expectations.

[And here is where I switch ink again and go Back to Black like Amy Winehouse.]

Expectations. We all have them; of ourselves, of each other, of society, of the world. Often times, we don’t realize when we’re putting them out there in a burdensome way. Most of the time it is not obvious to us when we are demanding with them. We intend our presence to be loving, our questions comforting, and our concerns caring. So why do these same actions and behaviors from others make us feel suffocated, interrogated, and even inept?

I struggle with needing to meet people’s expectations more than most. Because of my constant need to not let people down, I often run myself dry. Then again, don’t we all to a certain extent? This may be part of the reason I have been so absent. Being in Italy, naturally I want to go to all of the places and do all of the things, and sleep is for the weak, and I am INVINCIBLE! Until that puts such a mental and physical strain on me that I become extremely sick for three weeks, with a nagging cough that lingers for another month. A time during which my dog was also sick, and had to get biopsied for a lump on his foot. (Bomber is fine, do not fret.) A time during which my attempt at social interaction in the physical here, caused my connection in the virtual (mentally and verbally to everyone back home) to suffer.

It’s all about perception though, yes? So while for me, it was juggling social stress with physical sickness, and the anxiety of my very best friend possibly having a tumor; to others, it was distance, vacancy, and lack of effort. Or on a different spectrum, I was bombarded with concerns of people close to me feeling that they had upset me. All of these worries were thrown into the mix and sank me five feet under the surface of my anxiety. But they were all healthy concerns coming from a caring place in the hearts of people who care deeply about me and whose presence I value most. To me, it was a full plate. To them, it was a disruption in their norm.

See, as humans, we develop patterns in everything we do, including relationships. It’s how our brains cope with the unknown of future events. When we establish a pattern in communication with someone else, and suddenly that pattern is broken by the other person, a subconscious need of ours is unmet. This registers in our brain as concern for the other person. But the reality is that we are bugged because our pattern of reality is disrupted.

Right now, I wonder how many readers are saying “You’re insane and clearly don’t care about the people in your life.”. And that’s a fair thought, but I’m not done. Please do not interpret this as me telling you not to check on your friends when they go off the grid. Because that is absolutely a vital part of the correlation between human connection and mental health.

What I am saying, is CUT THE RESENTMENT. Stop being bitter when someone tells you they need alone time. Chances are, it has absolutely nothing to do with you, or anyone specifically for that matter, so do not make it about you. Unless you are concerned for their safety (in which case a professional should be involved anyway), give them room to breathe. People generally understand their own mental health-care routine, and if that involves time to themselves, then allow them that.

Of course, always check in on your people, but stop making it about you. Let go of the thoughts of “I must have done something…”. If that is an actual fear that you have after someone has gotten quiet with you, then introspection is your first step. Think back through recent interactions and ask yourself what about your contributions could have put them off? If you still feel the need to ask, it is a one-time question. If they tell you it has nothing to do with you, then at that point, you have to accept that they are just going through something individually. From there on, checking in needs to be exactly that until the person is ready to be back. The hardest part of this to accept is that there is no time-frame on it. But the most helpful thing we can do for people in that place is be patient with them, and remind them that our presence in their life is not changing just because they are struggling.

At this point, it may sound to you like I am asking you to sacrifice your needs for the sake of someone wanting to recluse, no questions asked. My dear reader, that is not at all it. Do not ever sacrifice your needs. But do not confuse your needs with your want for a particular person to fill those needs. When the person you want (because it is a want, unless there is specific conflict with that individual,) is in a place of seclusion, they are working to meet their needs. And they cannot meet your needs with their whole heart if they are preoccupied with their own unmet and neglected needs. We must be selfish before we can be selfless. In this case, if the need does not directly concern that individual, you have three options; wait and hold the thought until that person is ready, find someone else to express that need to, or find another outlet (through hobbies, meditation, prayer, etc.).

It is so difficult to take a step back and trust that that person will return when they are ready. But when we truly care for someone, part of showing them that their significance is more than what they can give, is allowing them the space to meet their needs in their own way. Just as they would do their best to help us meet ours in the way that would be most comfortable for us.

On the back side of this, I am here to say that asking for space, or denying interaction is completely within your rights. If your healing process does not include talking to every person about your problems, then do not exacerbate the problem by overexerting yourself. Being online doesn’t mean you have to respond to the messages. Having your phone with you doesn’t mean you are obligated to answer phone calls or texts. Having a day off does not require you to go out and socialize. Let yourself find healing where healing is comfortable for you.

Continue to check on the ones you love. But exercise patience in their healing. Leave the prodding questions behind, and drop your expectations outside the door. Your person will return to you. The best way to not add to their feeling of inadequacy, is to leave the light on for them for when they are ready to return~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Tell me about your own experiences in navigating expectations, or addressing your own. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]

-To begin with, I would like to say that I absolutely love and appreciate getting requests and suggestions. Hearing about the things that other people are currently thinking about or working through helps me get to know them on a deeper level, and also gives me a chance to look at new perspectives. This being the first suggestion that I’m writing on, I want to be transparent. Because this was not something already on my mind and heart, it proved to be a little more challenging for me. It was entirely worth it though, and I took some time to meditate on it.-

26 July 2018

               Our topic for today is Trust. A big word made of few letters that packs so much meaning and yet is something our world seems to be devoid of. It should inspire hope and connection, but is all too often associated with dread and painful memories. Why is that? There are a few thoughts I’d like to unpack there.

Trust is the foundation of every relationship, every encounter, and every decision of our lives. Even reaching into a biological level. Instinctively, animals are prone to trust others within their species. Because fundamentally, that makes sense. In everything we do, we have to trust that others are not going to do anything uncharacteristic of human nature that would jeopardize our safety, or affect our world as we know it to function. This allows us to walk down the sidewalk on a busy street, and trust that a driver will not veer off the road and mow us down. We keep animals as pets, assuming they won’t eat us. And we form connections with other people, believing that there will be mutual care between us.

And we do all of this despite having seen countless examples that should show us that those assumptions are unreliable. Pedestrians get hit by cars, dogs bite their owner’s hand, and people cause those close to them pain (physically and emotionally) every single day. But that somehow does not change our own perspective. Because our lives cannot continue or function normally, if we do not trust. In fact, a majority of the time, we will blindly trust until we experience a break directly. But all it takes is that one experience, to completely rewire how someone will approach that situation for the rest of their lives. Broken trust is a trauma.

The world shows us more and more every day that there is no room to have that blind trust. Parents aren’t supposed to allow their kids anywhere alone, or out after dark because we always hear about the people who want to hurt them. Music encourages faithlessness in relationships because of what the other person could do, and how they could betray us. The media highlights every negative event caused by one ill-intended individual in some corner of the globe but makes it relevant to each of us as individuals. Vaguely relatable social media posts, thinly veiled in self-deprecating humor make us think that not being able to trust anyone, and being afraid of the world is the norm. And it is widely accepted to be this way. As mentioned earlier, we typically must experience an event first-hand (or close to) in order for our trust to be broken. But the way these stories are portrayed, or the way the lyrics are written, all it takes is some small resemblance to a moment in our lives for us to completely lose that faith in the world. And that isn’t to say that people exaggerate events in their life just to be on the safe side and eliminate the trust in said experience. But cutting that tie is a defense mechanism to help us better prepare for what would happen if it were to come to the worst. But what does that force us to eliminate from our lives preemptively? More specifically, what do we miss out on by “taking someone’s word for it”? Maybe we should allow only our direct experiences to form our intuition of trust.

What forms that intuition though? How are we able to know what works well for us as compared to what works for others? A huge part of why we tend to struggle with this uphill battle of trust, is because we do not trust ourselves. We do not understand our own thresholds for trust. “Well that’s my problem, and you’re just going to have to let me deal with that.” You’re right, I, nor anyone else, have any control over your behaviors, thoughts, or actions. However, your ability, or lack thereof, has a profound effect on your relationships with others, and the way you communicate your needs to those around you. If you’re anything like me, you don’t know why you are the way you are when it comes to trusting others. My excuse for so long for not getting close to people, handling my problems silently, and closing myself off emotionally to the world, was because I just was that way. I couldn’t explain why, or what happened to build that wall, or why I couldn’t change. But anyone who questioned that was immediately put on the black list, because they just “didn’t understand, and were trying to force me to change”.

Once I got past my own pride and decided that I wanted to be able to let people in, I needed to figure out how and why I responded in that way. So rather than just forcing myself to be okay with things that I knew made me uncomfortable, I chose to analyze the similarities between people and situations and relationships that I avoided. I tied those to past events, and from there figured out what exactly happened to shut me down. It was this route that allowed me to discover some painful experiences that I had forced down, and some hard truths that I didn’t want to accept.

There were memories tied to someone abusing the power they had over me. That caused me to avoid one-on-one confrontations with people and attach a negative connotation to anyone in a position of authority. I became quiet around bosses, teachers, and even my parents. I didn’t want to upset anyone out of bottom line fear of how they would react. I had never recognized any of those reactions as fearful. But I had let that fear control a large portion of my life. Reliving my experience being bullied as a kid showed me why I would immediately discredit anyone who held a decent social status. Because it always ended up being the rich and popular kids, I now have problems attaching judgements to anyone I perceive as fitting that description. Forget being friends with anyone who was socially charming or seems like they’d fit into “that crowd”. As a result, I have most likely pushed away some genuinely wholesome people.

Being able to acknowledge these experiences helped me get to know myself a little deeper. And once I took those experiences and compared them to how I cope with broken trust, I was able to see more clearly my own tendencies. I could pick out the ways that I exemplify untrustworthy qualities, and brainstorm ways to change that. There were things that I had to accept as needing change before I could work on trusting the world around me. That moment of connection between your surface level and your deeper subconscious is such a unifying time. Understanding the root of your pain is the key in eliminating that association to others. And as a biproduct, I found a lot of forgiveness in my heart for people who I previously thought would have never deserved it. The journey of self-growth leads us to a place of healing, from which we can continue onto the forgiveness of others, and the connection to our world.

Our past is such a manipulative beast to our present and our future. Think about all the good and the bad past experiences that affect your world today, and your decisions for the future. Why do we let something that no longer holds physical power over our lives control what is to come? We will go see a band a second time in concert because when we went years ago, they were fantastic. Then somehow become disappointed when we don’t have the same experience as before. Why would we? They are two different events, held at different points in time, with different crowds, at a different venue. We are not the same as we were when we attended the first time, and neither is the artist. But that first concert was all we needed to make our decision on whether to go a second time.

We do the same thing with trust, because human beings are creatures of pattern. And even though the majority of situations are composed of varying factors, we will let the one constant control our reaction every single time. The thought is “An ex cheated on me in the past. They were always on their phone but never wanted me to see what they were doing. They came home late all the time and always turned my accusations on me.” Which turns into “I can no longer trust a romantic partner who has a lock on their phone. I need to either be with them, or know where they are going before they go, and who they’ll be with. I can’t tell them when I’m uncomfortable because they’re just going to get mad and it will be my fault.”

Does that sound like someone who has been hurt, or a psychotic and controlling partner? Depends on which person in that relationship you ask. To the one on the receiving end of unwarranted suspicion, those “precautions” are controlling. To the one who had previously been cheated on, those are coping mechanisms out of fear that they’re going to go through the same pain again. But why is that a fear that we allow? If they are no longer with the one who cheated on them, then they have no reason to be suspicious of the next one. Every person is an individual, right? Every person has the capability of making their own decisions. Forcing that assumption on them that they will be “just like the last one” is suffocating to that person. And then, just as in the previous relationship which was made unhealthy because of the infidelity, this one has become equally as toxic because that foundation of trust has been replaced with an unstable fear.

I believe this is a huge contributing factor to the alleged Death of Relationships that my generation faces in this age. We are so afraid of the pain that we felt because of an experience, that we internalize it. Believing that we can fuel any human relationship with surface-based feelings, we don’t recognize that these deeper emotions are getting projected onto our current situations. Being suspicious, overly cautious, reserved emotionally (OR physically), or simply not wanting to reach a point of attachment that will cause pain to break because we assume that it can’t and won’t work out. All because of things that that individual did not do or cause within us. Doesn’t that sound a bit like unfair judgement? That would be like sending someone to jail because they look exactly like the last guy who committed a felony. Or keeping a cast on your arm after the break has healed because there’s a chance you might break it again. Both are unrealistic judgements and expectations. But we impose those on others because it’s easier than acknowledging that someone broke our trust and caused us pain. Because in today’s world, pain is still largely viewed as a burden to those around us, and a sign of weakness. Since we are told to make everyone else’s lives easier, and not to show weakness, we allow these toxic mentalities to manifest. And that in and of itself causes a burden in the lives of those we form shallow relationships with, and causes the weakest link in our connections with others. It becomes the most vicious cycle we’ve tried to avoid to begin with.

So we can recognize that each person is an individual with individual experiences and individual struggles of their own to get through. Where do we go from there? I’m not trying to tell you to blindly trust every person you meet. It’s a fact that in today’s world, that will get you killed. But I am telling you to allow the people trying to form a connection with you a chance to do so. Pain in this world is inevitable. But deciding whether that fear has control over your life is entirely your choice. Allowing someone to prove their character to you is the only way to take back that control. Believing that each person is their own author and can choose to make you a valued priority is the key to finding the things in life that make all of that pain worth it. Allow your past to be a lesson, not a definition of your life. Your experiences need to stay in the back seat, and you must have both hands on the wheel. Deep down, we know we don’t want others to feel the pain that we felt as a result of someone else, but we can only control ourselves. Building that foundation of mutual trust is the only thing we can do to prevent the other person from feeling that betrayal. And when we can apply that trust, we are free to put the rest in their hands.

I believe there is most definitely hope for my generation. I notice that people are starting to reach a point of such agony and loneliness, that they are forcing themselves to get back up and just try again, palms out, asking for love. And they know that as much as it hurts to get knocked down, that finding someone to be by their side and share the journey with will mean so much more. We are slowly getting sick of accepting the world for what it is. We have had enough of the disconnect. We refuse to be in a constant stand-off to see who will bail first. My generation is beginning to connect with themselves on an internal level, and embrace who they are and express their needs outwardly. Seeing my generation move through self-discovery is what has sparked my hope in them learning to trust again.

Learn to trust yourself again, and project that trust onto the rest of your world. You are the hope you have been looking for~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Tell me about your own experiences in learning to trust, or witnessing those close to you grow in their ability to trust. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]

–DEATH TW: In this entry I discuss death, the afterlife, and the viewpoints and beliefs of multiple religions. If any of these subjects are either traumatic or otherwise something that you wish not to get involved with, I highly suggest moving onto the next entry. However, if you are struggling through the grieving of a loved one or wrapping your mind around the concept of death itself, then this may be the piece you’re looking for.-

21 July 2018

            Today brings about a rather difficult and (for most) uncomfortable topic. Today, I would like to talk about something that, at a young age of 21 years old, I have been present and witness to all too much. Today I would like to talk about death and grieving.

Now, as dark and heavy topic as this may seem from a distance, I invite you to stick with me as I approach it from a few perspectives. I have chosen this subject for today for the reason of having to watch several people whom I care about deeply, go through the grieving process, and are feeling lost in it all. And if that is not justification enough, or this is too painful of a topic to be subjected to, there is no judgement on my end if you move on to the next entry, or don’t continue at all.

One of the reasons I believe this is so hard for people to listen to, is because like every other part of our lives, the world tries to put a time constraint on our pain. It wants us to be sad, but not for too long…right? Over time, our right to mourn, grieve, and process the absence of a loved one has been stripped from us.

You may be objecting, saying “Well no, I would never!”. And it probably isn’t you, if you’re reading this. But take a moment to think about someone you know personally, who experienced the loss of a loved one. If and when you offered to be a shoulder to cry on, did you ever hear “I don’t want to be a burden.” Or “I don’t want to bring you down.”?

Whatever version of that phrase you’ve heard, it should break your heart. That phrase is a defense mechanism – a plea for you not to walk out on them for not being okay. And it comes from a place of experience. Someone, at one point or another, silenced them by not listening, invalidating them, brushing it off, or telling them that it’s time to move on.

Once that grieving process is rushed, that individual is forced to stuff it down, and it becomes a topic to avoid. People who are victim to that lack of understanding most likely didn’t read past the second paragraph. If you have experienced that rejection before, and you are still reading, I want to apologize on behalf of human compassion. Your pain and grief is absolutely valid, and you are on no schedule to heal but your own.

–

Even though I rarely have the opportunity to be a physical presence for people during such a difficult phase in their life, I always try my hardest to be a sounding board for those who need it. Once someone’s pain and grief are validated, they tend to ask a lot of questions. For such an unsure period in life, when something perhaps unexpected or inexplicable happens, it can cause a lot of confusion. As human beings, we naturally seek definite answers. Because there is no evidence or explanation to death itself, we obviously are going to be left wondering. In fact, the question I get most is “What’s next?”. What is next? What happens to an animated being after their being ceases to be animated?

The coping mechanisms that humans developed for this unknown is Religion. It is incredible how well Faith itself fills that void. Being a Christian, I could go on about my God waiting on the other side, ready to take my hand once my journey is over. However, I have never been one to project my beliefs on others. On the same note, I try my best to learn and understand differing belief systems to best communicate with others in their comfort zone. So for the Unsure, I would like to take this time to compare some similarities and maybe offer a variety of ideas that may give your aching heart some sort of peace. To begin with what I know to be close to my heart: The Christian perspective.

The challenge question I hear about my Religion most often is “Why would a God so kind, caring, loving, and compassionate allow so much pain, turmoil, and disaster in the world?”. The Bible says that Eternal Life is not here on Earth, but in Heaven with Him. This world is filled with pain and suffering, alongside the sin that poisons it. The correlation is that Heaven is free of sin, and everything that accompanies it. So when we are freed of the sin of this world, the torturing chains that bind us are released. The book of John gives us this perspective when talking about Everlasting Life. It shows us that that is so much more than keeping us out of Hell; it defines the warmth, safety, comfort, and freedom we will receive on the other side.

This idea is paralleled in so many Religions – which in and of itself is comforting in a sense of consistency. In Judaism, rabbinic scripts speak of Olam Haba, or “The World to Come”. Interpretations compare it to Heaven, in that it is described as pleasures from the Spiritual to Physical planes. However, it also refers to resurrection. The idea is that those who have lived a righteous life, will earn an additional life.

Judaism is not alone in the idea of reincarnation. Just as matter cannot be created or destroyed – only changed, many believe that the human soul works in similar ways. In practices such as Witchcraft, some believe that as our body becomes Earth, that our soul becomes a part of the environment or universe. In Hindu culture, one’s atman (spirit) is permanent, while it is the body that changes. The atman is constantly reborn, and they call this Samsara.

It is understandable that even with these vast similarities among different belief systems, that one can still be skeptical of validity at all. Whether it be a sense of betrayal, lack of tangible proof, or a fear of the unknown, Agnosticism is an entirely human mindset to have. Defined as “The view that the existence of God, of the divine, or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable.”, it highlights the realistic fact that none of us know for certain what comes after this life. So how does one find peace in death, or process grief with no justified reason to adopt that peace? In this case, the most visible way is to reflect on how one has lived their life. What purpose did they fill it with? While this doesn’t give us any insight to an afterlife, it can bring a sense of peace that that person left a permanent mark on the world and cannot be forgotten by the hearts of those they touched.

Buddhism has many quotes on living with purpose and in turn, finding true peace at the end. “Perhaps the deepest reason why we are afraid of death is because we do not know who we are.” One of the most profound figures in human existence even acknowledges that we cannot accept death without having lived fully enough to know ourselves. In the same breath, Buddha also says “Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”.

We tend to hear that the good ones are always taken too soon. What makes them the good ones? Could it be that they simply discovered that wisdom faster than the rest of us? Regardless of what took them from us, they are the ones we remember fondly. They are the ones who inspire us to keep trying. They are the ones who have such an impact on our lives that we want so badly to find the quality that gives us purpose.

Whatever Religion, belief, faith, practice or rationalization you follow to aid you in this healing process, know that it is right and valid for you. And this person that your heart breaks for right now, would so greatly admire your strength, and be humbled at your ability to further fill your life with your individual purpose.

Please know that there is no timeline for your healing process. You are not obligated to fill that gap. You do not have to hide your pain or pretend to forget. You do not have to “get through it” for the sake of the rest of the world. And you do not have to heal on your own.

Remember the one you love, and live in purpose for them every day.

“It is not the length of life, but depth of life.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Go and be at peace, dear soul~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. I understand the difficulty of discussing death, so please only share what you are comfortable with. However and whatever you choose to share, know that this space is safe to do so, and you will receive no judgement from me. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]

-I chose to skip a few entries and move to this one for the sole reason that it is becoming ever-more relevant every day that passes.-

6 July 2018

This notebook was intended originally to be filled with stories and experiences and thoughts from my time in Italy. And so far, it has been filled with many many thoughts, just not the ones I expected to have on this journey. However, I intend to look back on these at the end of my time here and see the growth and inspiration that I did achieve on the first real adventure of my adult life. There will be many stories and experiences to come, mind you. But before we get to that, I want to take a moment to talk about the science of love. And I hate adding such a mathematical and structured word onto a word of fluidity and freedom; but I also believe that this aspect of our lives has a certain rigidity (whether universally defined, or determined by society). Recently, I’ve had a few people in my life experiencing hardships of the heart. (Heartships, if you will…heh.) One friend is struggling to let go of someone who was supposed to be their soulmate. Meanwhile another is challenged by the way they send and receive love. And a third is working through determining what love really is, if it’s possible to be in love with multiple people, or if they can ever learn to focus that love on one person. While I don’t have any concrete answers for these people, I do have thoughts on each.

First, for the mourning soul. This is not the end. And I don’t mean that in an “It’s going to be okay” manner – because right now, it’s not okay. But this is not the end of your ability to love, or your heart’s capacity to hold someone again. This may not even be the definite end of your time with this soulmate. It may take years – or possibly even a lifetime more for you to find each other again. ‘Maybe we follow our soulmate through every life, but maybe we don’t end up with them in every life.’ – Those are not my words, but they have comforted me in a time of uncertainty. And even if that is not the case, or this person is not the other half of your soul, I have to believe that someone will come along and overwhelm your perceived threshold for love, beyond what you felt for this person your heart still clings to. Believe that your heart is too big to not love again. Otherwise, why would this hurt so badly?

Now for the heart on sensory overload. We naturally view situations and relationships from a selfish perspective, which is not inherently negative, but rather a default mode. Because the only definite answer we ever actually have is the one that comes from ourselves. This makes it easy to blame our own flaws for failed relationships – or when we process information differently. And I think this comes from a formula that society imprints on us. Person A meets Person B, they fall in love, love is linear, love dies, Person A and Person B fall out of love and move on. There are so many things wrong with having that one-dimensional mindset. Maybe it does go that way for Person A and Person B. But maybe Person C comes along, and Person A also feels love for them. Or maybe they never fall out of love, but their lives go in separate directions. Or maybe someone never moves on. Or maybe, as in this case, your heart and your senses are overloaded by the way someone else is trying to love you. Dear heart, this is not a flaw of yours or theirs. Rather that we send love the way we want to receive it. Your heart has learned independence, but dislikes isolation or distance. While the one who is sending love craves to feel it on all levels from their lover. So in this equation, neither of you want the distance, but while one heart is a pitcher trying to pour love out, the other is a glass that is already full. Maybe this other heart needs to find an empty glass to fill. And maybe your heart needs to remain full, or find an equally content heart to coexist with. In the meantime, please appreciate how capable and independent you are, and surround yourself with the like, and with those who understand where you are at.

And finally, for the heart too eager to give love. How fortunate you truly are to be able to have love for so many, in a way that some people struggle to have for one. You feel suffocated by the world demanding you to choose one and only one person to love. That you must commit yourself to them, and turn yourself off emotionally to the rest of the world. That is so threatening and isolating to a creature that is one of few who is biologically predisposed to form multiple life-long relationships. Human beings as a species become emotionally attached to everything! Other humans, animals, objects, even ideas. so why do we force ourselves to break such deep attachments in order to pursue others?

Seeing as this is a stance I’m bound to get push-back on, allow me to word it differently. I love both of my parents equally. That is a common and acceptable thought. People say the same about their children, right? When a vast majority of the time, each child has varying personalities, interests, and attitudes. I know for a fact that my parents are polar opposites. yet I love them the same amount. The only difference is why I love them. The reasons are as separate as oil and water.

Why then, if we can love multiple people of the same familial status on the same level, can we not hold space in our heart to love people of our choice the same? Now this is not an endorsement for Polygamy (to each their own though, I suppose). However, it is my way of saying: Dear troubled heart, simply because you have attached to one person, does not mean you are eternally bound to them. Nor does it mean that you must condemn the love you have for others just because you have chosen to pursue this particular love. That being said, do not sacrifice the quality of love you give for how equally you care for each of these people. There will be sacrifice in your future, for the sake of whoever you do choose to bind yourself to. And they will be worth it. But they most likely are not like you in the ability to love equally and simultaneously among many hearts. So when the time comes, be fair to that heart. In the meantime, be fair to yourself, and allow your love to flourish. Release your chains, and your soul will find its answer in time.

Our hearts are not functional or flawed based on the way we process heartbreak. On how we send or receive love. Or on how abundantly or restrictive we are with how we love. Our hearts are at the epicenter of our path to growth and self-discovery. The presence of feelings within any dealings of the heart is what defines our humanity~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Give me your thoughts and opinions in the realms and dealings of the heart. Tell me about your own experience with heartbreak or heart-healing. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]

-This is the first excerpt in the Little Green Book. Although it is dated by a couple weeks at this point, I believe this message has a timeless purpose and validity.-

26 June 2018

So here it is, day one, moment zero, of a thousand. I have yet to even step foot on a plane. Mostly due to the fact that my flight has been delayed ten minutes, every ten minutes for the last hour due to persisting thunderstorms. Nevertheless, it has given me the chance to partake in an early session of People-Watching (a favorite past time).

I sat next to a lovely, middle-aged woman, with her hair neatly wrapped in a blue, marbled scarf that matched her earrings. After asking to take the empty seat next to her, I commented on how bright and wonderful her jewelry was. Her demeanor softened, and a smile spread across her beautiful face.

Across from me, an obnoxious business man shouted into his phone over the ear buds lodged in his satellite-dish ears, about missed connections and unbelievable service. His negativity was almost as insufferable as his yellow argyle socks (that unfortunately matched his tie). I chose to ignore him.

Eventually, the gate agent began assigning seats. Being one of the lucky individuals without one of those, I waited patiently in line. Knowing we had a while left before any boarding could happen, I wasn’t in a terrible rush. Especially considering the delay had already made me miss my connection. The woman in front of me however, was not feeling the same leniency. She was trying to get to Boston, and evidently was the top priority to this airline. The poor gate agent smiled through all of the attitude and snippy remarks, and efficiently got her on a flight that she could approve of – with no thanks in return.

As I approached the counter, I immediately apologized for adding to her morning and handed her my passes, explaining that I needed a seat assignment, and my connection re-booked. She got my seat, and began apologizing because the earliest my connection would be was three hours after I was supposed to depart originally. I stopped her, and thanked her because that cut my 11-hour layover down by four hours for my rotator flight out of Norfolk.

The combination of surprise and relief on her face was a little saddening. She was blown away that I was happy about a missed connection – even if it was more so that I was the first person not to shout at her or get upset over something she had no control over. It only reaffirmed my belief that it’s easy to make a positive impact in someone’s world, just by the manner in which you speak to them. By the way you choose to interact with them. Simple  gestures of kindness, patience, and understanding allow someone the grace and space to be human, and motivate them to keep trying.

The kindness was returned to me when I sat down. I began writing this and my pen died. [If you were reading this from the original Little Green Book, you would see an ink change.] A man across the small terminal noticed me digging in my backpack for a new one, and brought me his instead. And it may be that I am more receptive to random kindness, but the small things always make the biggest difference. I believe it’s a ripple effect; if someone is able to give you a spot of calm amongst the chaos, or a shred of positivity in a sea of the dark and dismal, that means they were able to improve your outlook on that day.

It may be subconscious. How often do we fixate on the spilled coffee, or the missed bus, or the meeting-gone-wrong, and allow that one moment to be what carves the path of the rest of our day, or even week? On the other hand, how often have you ever been lifted out of that fog (even temporarily) because someone offered you a smile, a greeting, a compliment, a pen?

The smallest of actions make the largest of differences. They can either destroy or restore faith in humanity. We cannot control the behavior or actions of others. So how are you going to make a difference for someone else today?

And on that thought, I say farewell to America.

I’ll be home soon~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. Tell me your thoughts, opinions, and experiences on the difference we can make in the lives of others, or the impact that someone else’s actions had on you. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]

Greetings from wherever your eyes have wandered to bring you to this place. I titled this “Welcome Home”, because while I am fully aware (and hopeful) that you do not reside in this space, that this is my proverbial home. See, I have always felt safest inside my own head, but the internal workings of one’s mind can get sort of lonesome.

My journey has brought me here to this space. A space where I can expound upon the safer planes of my thoughts. And, if you will allow, I would like to share them with you. So as my safest place would be considered my home, and I am transferring that to this place, this is Home as a result. Maybe a vacation house, if you will.

So please, make yourself comfortable. Take a look at the family photos on the walls, find the comfiest place on the couch, kick your feet up, and just take in what I have built upon this foundation.

This idea has been formulating within me for a few years at this point, and was fully inspired by a dear friend of mine. Recently, I received my first opportunity to visit the far corners of the Earth. Before I left, a magical woman named Marissa, gifted me a little, green notebook. Pale in color, bound with an elastic strap, a small note encased inside, encouraging me to pursue my writing and free my soul.

I could never thank her enough, so I take every opportunity I can to pour my heart into the pages of that book. After sharing a couple entries with some close friends, I was pushed further to create a sounding board in an online setting, in which I could share these imaginings of the heart with others.

My biggest hope is that there will be at least one post on this blog that will reach the heart of every reader. Which is why, the only request I have while you visit my Home, is that you leave your own words and thoughts. Send me feedback, questions, concerns, varying points of view, requests, or anything that speaks to your heart.

Thank you for taking the precious time in your day to share this space with me, and I hope to see you on my doorstep again soon~