Grief and What Happens Next

–DEATH TW: In this entry I discuss death, the afterlife, and the viewpoints and beliefs of multiple religions. If any of these subjects are either traumatic or otherwise something that you wish not to get involved with, I highly suggest moving onto the next entry. However, if you are struggling through the grieving of a loved one or wrapping your mind around the concept of death itself, then this may be the piece you’re looking for.-

21 July 2018

            Today brings about a rather difficult and (for most) uncomfortable topic. Today, I would like to talk about something that, at a young age of 21 years old, I have been present and witness to all too much. Today I would like to talk about death and grieving.

Now, as dark and heavy topic as this may seem from a distance, I invite you to stick with me as I approach it from a few perspectives. I have chosen this subject for today for the reason of having to watch several people whom I care about deeply, go through the grieving process, and are feeling lost in it all. And if that is not justification enough, or this is too painful of a topic to be subjected to, there is no judgement on my end if you move on to the next entry, or don’t continue at all.

One of the reasons I believe this is so hard for people to listen to, is because like every other part of our lives, the world tries to put a time constraint on our pain. It wants us to be sad, but not for too long…right? Over time, our right to mourn, grieve, and process the absence of a loved one has been stripped from us.

You may be objecting, saying “Well no, I would never!”. And it probably isn’t you, if you’re reading this. But take a moment to think about someone you know personally, who experienced the loss of a loved one. If and when you offered to be a shoulder to cry on, did you ever hear “I don’t want to be a burden.” Or “I don’t want to bring you down.”?

Whatever version of that phrase you’ve heard, it should break your heart. That phrase is a defense mechanism – a plea for you not to walk out on them for not being okay. And it comes from a place of experience. Someone, at one point or another, silenced them by not listening, invalidating them, brushing it off, or telling them that it’s time to move on.

Once that grieving process is rushed, that individual is forced to stuff it down, and it becomes a topic to avoid. People who are victim to that lack of understanding most likely didn’t read past the second paragraph. If you have experienced that rejection before, and you are still reading, I want to apologize on behalf of human compassion. Your pain and grief is absolutely valid, and you are on no schedule to heal but your own.

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Even though I rarely have the opportunity to be a physical presence for people during such a difficult phase in their life, I always try my hardest to be a sounding board for those who need it. Once someone’s pain and grief are validated, they tend to ask a lot of questions. For such an unsure period in life, when something perhaps unexpected or inexplicable happens, it can cause a lot of confusion. As human beings, we naturally seek definite answers. Because there is no evidence or explanation to death itself, we obviously are going to be left wondering. In fact, the question I get most is “What’s next?”. What is next? What happens to an animated being after their being ceases to be animated?

The coping mechanisms that humans developed for this unknown is Religion. It is incredible how well Faith itself fills that void. Being a Christian, I could go on about my God waiting on the other side, ready to take my hand once my journey is over. However, I have never been one to project my beliefs on others. On the same note, I try my best to learn and understand differing belief systems to best communicate with others in their comfort zone. So for the Unsure, I would like to take this time to compare some similarities and maybe offer a variety of ideas that may give your aching heart some sort of peace. To begin with what I know to be close to my heart: The Christian perspective.

The challenge question I hear about my Religion most often is “Why would a God so kind, caring, loving, and compassionate allow so much pain, turmoil, and disaster in the world?”. The Bible says that Eternal Life is not here on Earth, but in Heaven with Him. This world is filled with pain and suffering, alongside the sin that poisons it. The correlation is that Heaven is free of sin, and everything that accompanies it. So when we are freed of the sin of this world, the torturing chains that bind us are released. The book of John gives us this perspective when talking about Everlasting Life. It shows us that that is so much more than keeping us out of Hell; it defines the warmth, safety, comfort, and freedom we will receive on the other side.

This idea is paralleled in so many Religions – which in and of itself is comforting in a sense of consistency. In Judaism, rabbinic scripts speak of Olam Haba, or “The World to Come”. Interpretations compare it to Heaven, in that it is described as pleasures from the Spiritual to Physical planes. However, it also refers to resurrection. The idea is that those who have lived a righteous life, will earn an additional life.

Judaism is not alone in the idea of reincarnation. Just as matter cannot be created or destroyed – only changed, many believe that the human soul works in similar ways. In practices such as Witchcraft, some believe that as our body becomes Earth, that our soul becomes a part of the environment or universe. In Hindu culture, one’s atman (spirit) is permanent, while it is the body that changes. The atman is constantly reborn, and they call this Samsara.

It is understandable that even with these vast similarities among different belief systems, that one can still be skeptical of validity at all. Whether it be a sense of betrayal, lack of tangible proof, or a fear of the unknown, Agnosticism is an entirely human mindset to have. Defined as “The view that the existence of God, of the divine, or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable.”, it highlights the realistic fact that none of us know for certain what comes after this life. So how does one find peace in death, or process grief with no justified reason to adopt that peace? In this case, the most visible way is to reflect on how one has lived their life. What purpose did they fill it with? While this doesn’t give us any insight to an afterlife, it can bring a sense of peace that that person left a permanent mark on the world and cannot be forgotten by the hearts of those they touched.

Buddhism has many quotes on living with purpose and in turn, finding true peace at the end. “Perhaps the deepest reason why we are afraid of death is because we do not know who we are.” One of the most profound figures in human existence even acknowledges that we cannot accept death without having lived fully enough to know ourselves. In the same breath, Buddha also says “Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”.

We tend to hear that the good ones are always taken too soon. What makes them the good ones? Could it be that they simply discovered that wisdom faster than the rest of us? Regardless of what took them from us, they are the ones we remember fondly. They are the ones who inspire us to keep trying. They are the ones who have such an impact on our lives that we want so badly to find the quality that gives us purpose.

Whatever Religion, belief, faith, practice or rationalization you follow to aid you in this healing process, know that it is right and valid for you. And this person that your heart breaks for right now, would so greatly admire your strength, and be humbled at your ability to further fill your life with your individual purpose.

Please know that there is no timeline for your healing process. You are not obligated to fill that gap. You do not have to hide your pain or pretend to forget. You do not have to “get through it” for the sake of the rest of the world. And you do not have to heal on your own.

Remember the one you love, and live in purpose for them every day.

“It is not the length of life, but depth of life.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Go and be at peace, dear soul~

[Please remember, all feedback is welcome and encouraged. Let me know what you’d like to hear me write about. I understand the difficulty of discussing death, so please only share what you are comfortable with. However and whatever you choose to share, know that this space is safe to do so, and you will receive no judgement from me. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting here, there is a private feedback section under the menu bar labeled “Tell me what you think”. Have a loving and peaceful day.]